Dilemma all around...

I haven't posted in a while. We've gone through a rough patch with the adoption process and moving the way we did too so much of our attention and effort, nothing else seemed to matter.

So - update on the adoption. It's completely stopped. Shortly after we finished our PRIDE classes (within days), Catholic Charities make the announcement that they were suspending any new placements until they had clarification of Illinois' new Civil Union law. They wanted to be exempt from it. Personal feelings aside, it was a very political and public move. The State's response was play by the rules everyone else does. After quite a bit of more public posturing on both sides and lawsuits (The State finally said we don't have to do business with you any more and CC sued and said you can't just throw us out like), it appears that CC is out of the foster care and adoption business.

What does that mean for us. Well, I don't know. I have a social worker who keeps telling me to go through the process, but I'm feeling quite cynical about the whole business. CC can't perform what was specified in our contract with them - namely getting us licensed as a foster care family and then finding a child for us to adopt. But I keep getting the nagging suspicion that they don't want to return our money. So now I'm afraid to do anything. We didn't get a lot of communication during this whole fiasco, which leads to a bit of distrust on my end.

Not sure where this is leading. Gotta hope there's a reason for it. But really, all I can think of is all the kids that got screwed royal this summer because of politics and BS.

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And then came the knowledge.

There's a time in our life that we realize what we know and what we didn't know yesterday. There's a collective knowledge of events - at some point you become aware of these events, but in reality, these events have been a part of our common experience for all your life. 9/11 is one of those events. For my daughter, who was born September 12, it has been a vague color in the background, a bit hazy and ill-defined, but there nonetheless.

This morning came a revelation. As we walked to school, we met up with one of her classmates. As the two walked ahead of me, I heard Stacy explaining her new found knowledge to her friend. "September 11 is when 2 planes crashed into the twin towers." She now as the concrete knowledge of the day before she was born. The reason I have no newspapers from that day. The reason, she now knows, of why when she tells people her birth date they pause and go "oh."

The last bit of innocence I had for my daughter is now shattered.

RIP Dad

My father-in-law, Don Geigner, passed away in his sleep Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. I will forever be grateful to him and his former wife for creating the best person to ever walk into my life, their son - my husband. I'm also happy that I was able to get to know him, prickly personality and all.

Don had many hobbies he enjoyed over the years. He was first and foremost, an engineer. He had his pilot's license for many years and was a ham radio operator for all of his adult life, having participated in many a Field Day. There was talk that he asked his assisted living facility to allow him to put up an antenna on the property (I don't think they said no, but sadly, there is no antenna). My father-in-law was a former broadcast engineer for WTTW television - Channel 11 Chicago. When you come into Chicago via the Eisenhower or Stevenson expressway and you see the Sears Tower (Willis Tower I think it is now), there are two antennas on the top. He referred to the left one as "HIS antenna". And it was. I remember getting pictures in my email from the top of the Sears tower (yes, the roof of the Sears tower, not the observation deck). He could go on and on about his transmitter. But it wasn't all about electronics (just most of it). He could also talk incessantly about fishing in Squirrel Lake (Lac du Flambeau, WI) or his garden (most of his yard). Or the chemical properties of gravy. That was the first story he told me when Chuck introduced us at Punky's in Lombard. I think it was a test. I appear to have passed because he danced at our wedding.

Over the past several days we've be told about another side of him, one is family rarely saw. We were told how much he was loved by the residents and staff of Bickford House. How missed he will be. How Don could be counted on the help out his neighbors, the staff, anyone in need of help. He was proud of his daughter and son and grandchildren - he spoke of them frequently to anyone who would listen. And listen they did. Don was a great teller of stories. His brother can attest to this, so can the rest of his family and anyone else he ever came in contact with.

He is now pain-free and reunited with his special friend Janice. When he finally crossed over in the wee hours of that Tuesday evening - I imagine her saying "Donald, it's about time. Heaven is waiting for you." And that's where our sadness and happiness come clashing together. We are sorry to see him go, but so very happy that he's now at rest. His idea of Heaven may be a little different than Jan's. Heaven for him is a fishing boat with clouds above, on a dark lake, in the North Woods of Wisconsin. I'm sure Jan will understand if he holds her off, just for a few more casts.

Love you dad!

It starts to become real when other people are involved...

Sorry for the lack of updates. While the adoption front has been quiet, our life just went from crazy to insane in the blink of an eye. Actually, it was more like in the click of a mouse.

Life updates - I've been trolling realtor.com for about 2 years now. Ever since we made the concious decision to take jobs in Urbana. We knew, at some point, we would be living here permantently, but that was the hazy, distant future. But since the past year and 1/2 the only thing in our viewer was apartment, so our consumption of that site went way down. In the meantime, we decided that enough was enough and it was time to move on to something bigger than a dog house. Hubby is frothing at the mouth about his lack of project space and Boo has outgrown her bedroom, our living room and Miss Hollywood just needs 1 or 2 more product to take over our bathroom completely. I don't even have any space to call my own - so we started planning for when our lease is up in July, it was time to rent a house. Renting because we didn't want to rely on selling the home we own in Chenoa. Renting because we are quite frustrated with the housing marketing. Renting because, well, we just assumed that was the way it was going to go.

The problem with living in a college town is the landlords don't like to rent outside of the August to August time from. Your choices are severely limited if you go outside that window. And looking at what was available through most of the management companies here in town - oh boy. One place actually grossed out my daughter. She opened the fridge, when "that's disgusting," and promptly closed it. Do you know how hard it is to disgust a 9 year old? This was becoming an issue that wasn't going to be solved by the normal path. And when the normal path comes less of an option - I turn to craigslist.com! Placed a "family with cat looking for house ad" and waited to see what came up. A few wrong turns, but we ended up with a least 2 possibilities - neither were ideal, but again, we were thinking renting. And both were larger than what we have now. One of the houses we looked at was actually for sale, but the owner was having a hard time selling, so she answered my ad. That got us looking at realtor.com again. And that's when it happened. One evening I heard my husband say "I love this house." I NEVER hear something like that come from Mr. Conservative's mouth. Love something he only saw a picture of on the internet? Really?!? Must have been something special because he continued to talk about this house. We figured we could go see it and ask about renting to own - what did we have to lose. Well, we went from let's see if they'll accept a rent to own offer to OMG HAVE TO BUY IT NOW! We fell in love with the place, so we put an offer in. And wouldn't you know - it got accepted. Then, as our luck sometimes goes - the house we have for sale in Chenoa got an offer and we accepted it. Oh, wow - just what we needed in our lives - MORE PAPERWORK! What the hell was I thinking!!??!! So, now, this summer is going to be focused on packing and moving our ton o' stuff into storage and then moving it out again into (hopefully) our new house.

But, ultimately, this puts us in a good position. Since we knew we were looking to get into a house by the end of this summer - moving into one in June helps us with the DCFS certification. And, since we'll be just moving in - it'll be clean for the inspection!

While all this focus on a new home is putting things in perspective (we're planning for bedrooms and bathrooms for more than the 3 of us), what really hit home was a phone call and a text message from this weekend.

My sister called me to say she had good news. I assumed a number of things but what she told me was surprising. She had gotten the reference paperwork. My friend texted me with a similar statement - she needed some piece and quiet so she can work on the requested novel that is my husband and I. And that's when I realized just how real this all is. Other people were involved. They've been asked for their opinions about us. They are being asked to vouch for us. This, more than the 3rd bedroom we will soon possess, makes the adoption more of a reality.

Intentions intentions, the best of intentions...

Training - as it were - is OVAH! But not really. My trips to Peoria are done, for now. I have another 2 inch stack of homework to complete. These now focus a bit more on immediate family and parenting techniques and styles. I'm sure "She's a great kid, we couldn't have been luckier" will not cut it for an answer.

In training yesterday, our discussion started out by talking about intentions. What is the reason we've gone this route. I seem to have fallen in a trap of watching these movies and clips and becoming quite judgmental with these people. I mean, really, you did a foreign adoption so the pastor in your church would tell everyone you're the definition of love? Really? I know that's not what the parent meant, that's not what happened. But I had a hard time not seeing it that way. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back! Then, I turned that sarcasm inward and asked myself why am I doing this. I can't deny that so far, without exception, everyone who has heard we're doing this has had that "great job" reaction. Even better are the ones who acknowledge that they themselves couldn't do it, especially with the population that these children will be coming from (already in foster care). But while the praise is nice, I really don't want it. Both hubby and I agreed, this is not about us, this is about the child.

Ok, so I need to slow down and rethink this. Our reason: we (as a family and individuals) are very blessed in this life with an abundance. Some of it tangible, but a lot of it is intangible. We feel we have a lot of love, guidance, safety and sanity to provide for a child who needs it. Both of us have come from a background where some of those things didn't exist or it was only a reward for good behavior. We want to do better than that. If, after a child comes into our home, no one makes another comment about how great that is and just treats the child like they do our bio-kid, we'd be happy with that. In fact, I think we'd be a bit put off by any attention. It's what will be best for the child.

So, there. I still sound like a sanctimonious prig, don't I?

We are now 1 step closer to being approved for placement. Left to do: this week's homework, complete request for references, find a house to rent, make decisions about what we could and could not handle in a child, get ready for family interview. The chocolate intake has eased up a bit.

Tell me about your mother...

Yesterday was the first official day of parent training. The focus was on us (the prospective parents) and our current arrangements, past, yadda, getting introspective, trying to make sure we understand our feelings, motivations, intentions. And we got more paperwork. A TON more paperwork. A Really, really lot more paperwork. Focusing on every aspect of our lives (past and present). We were told the questions would start to get personal and personal they are (see previous entry). I'm not so worried about answering the questions about my current relationship ("How do you feel about your sexual relationship?" My answer - great! We trust each other and I'm very satisfied with it.). I love my husband and am comfortable enough to talk about it. My present is exactly what I need it to be, I love it and am really happy, content, satisfied, enjoying life, etc., etc., ad nausea. However, the "Family of Origin" worksheet made my blood run cold.

"What was the atmosphere of the household as you were growing up?"

Well, let's see. Tension filled, abusive, fractured, loud, anxiety-ridden.

"Describe your parent's marriage. What did you learn about marriage by living with them?"

I learned how not to communicate with your spouse or family unless you were screaming. I learned not to have a gun in the house because when you call the cops with a gun in the house - an entire squad descends on the neighborhood. I learned I was easy to walk away from and easy to replace.

After the marriage, I learned that adults like to fight over stupid inanimate objects, but that kids aren't worth fighting for. I learned the meaning of the phrase "do as I say, not as I do." I learned to sleep with my radio turned up when my mother's boyfriend's stayed the night. I learned to lock my door when the noises from her bedroom stopped.

"Did your parents agree on discipline?"

There was no agreement. I was bad, dad hit me with his slippers. I got him a new pair of slippers every Christmas, hoping each year that this pair didn't hurt as much as the last ones. With my mom, discipline took the form of psychiatrists, medication and the threat of hospitalization. Given the choice now, I don't know which was worse.

"Did your parents offer any career or vocation guidance?"

My dad told me my 18th birthday present would be a suitcase to help me move out. And all my ambitions, like to become a marine biologist. Well those were stupid because only smart people did things like that. Not dummies who didn't understand math.

Yeah, this is going to be a fun week. I really hope Mirabella stocked up on their tiramisu.

Really? You need to know that...

"How do you feel about your sexual relationship?" This statement may derail our plans.

When we started this process, our Social Worker told us they would be asking a lot of questions, in depth questions, to help to get to know us. And with the extra 3 inches of paperwork I received yesterday at the first training date, we now have a better of understanding of exactly how in depth they are going. And hubby isn't comfortable with it one bit.

I'm trying to keep an open mind. He's trying to reconcile knowing his sexual feelings for me will be placed in a filing cabinet. I'm not sure what is bothering him more - that he has to tell a stranger about his feelings or that those feelings will be written down and placed beyond his control.

I can only hope this isn't a deal breaker. If it is, then this process is at an end.

My adoption reading list - can't get this local...

One of the things our Social Worker gave us is a reading list. In our information age, that's only logical that we would get a suggestion of books to read. I've posted this list below. I never imagined the hard time I would have getting a hold of these books! So hard in fact that I need you to bare with me while I vent!

I first tried my local library. None of the three books where there - nor were they at another local library, all had to be ordered. In fact - one had to be ordered from a government facility! So, I order the books. First one came in, no problem, other than they're only allowing a three week check out period. I get the notice about the 2nd book is now in. I get the email late in the afternoon on the 1st. Because of the snow - the library closed early that day and was shut down on Wednesday. & Guess what. The library this book came from only allows for a 3 day window to pick it up. I showed up on Friday at 6 when the library had just closed and then went back on Saturday to discover the book was already sent back, on Thursday. & I still don't have a date on when I will received the book that was ordered from the government facility. Couple that with them not shoveling the sidewalk in front of their building along the main street and I'm not too happy with the library this week.

Next stop - big box book store. The gentleman at the customer service desk (quite annoyingly annoyed) said they didn't have any of those books but could order them for me. It would only take a week to get them in. Now I'm a bit frazzled. I said no thanks and proceeded to go to the parenting section. And there my day got stranger. There wasn't a single book on the shelf about adoption. NOTHING! There was books about dogs with ADD and cats with Aspergers, but nothing about how to parent your adopted kid. Wow. I was just floored. And annoyed. So annoyed that I went to the bakery and got an individual tiramisu. Which was consumed while I was standing in my kitchen. I was happy I made it home before I scarfed it down. Yeah, eating my anxiety away will do no one any good. I really need to watch that.

Back to my dilemma. The Reading List. Annoyed and yet laden with books that had nothing to do with adoption (BtVS Tales and a music notebook for Boo), I took off for home (and the bakery). Finally home and sugared up to the point I could think straight and I then realize I have the power of the internet. Duh! So once again - Amazon saves the day. Not only were all three books in stock and ready to ship, I also picked up two additional ones. And all will be at my door a mere 3 days from when I ordered them. Let's hope they're worth it...

Reading list:
Parenting Your Adopted Child : A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family by Andrew Adesman, et al
Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston
Big Steps For Little People: Parenting Your Adopted Child by Celia Foster

I added:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D. Gray

Ok, better now, but still...

Orientation was tough. One of the toughest things I have every gone through. And what made it worse was my husband wasn't there. He is not able to get the time off of work to attend the orientation and training (not happy about that - but that's another blog post). This means extra work on his end, but still, having him there would have been better. I would have had a hand to hold onto when I was upset. Seems apropos doesn't it?

The main lesson I walked away with was that these children are damaged. Damaged in such a way that, for some, no matter what you, as the adoptive parents, do you may never be enough. You may never get the child's love; you may never get a hug; you just may never... Hearing that repeated over and over again was hard. The worse part of that was knowing that these children are like this because the adults in their life have, at best, failed them. These are the children that we will be asked to bring into our home, to welcome them to our family, to raise them and love them and not expect anything in return.

There was a slide show, with audio. Children reading off the sentences on the slides. The child would start to read and then stop - mostly not reading the really graphic sentences. But in my head, the voice continued & I don't think I was alone in this. I heard all those words being said by a child. And it hurt. It hurt my heart so bad that these kids, any kid, would be put through situations like this. It certainly had a powerful effect. I just want to make sure we're doing this for the right reasons.

I also got a better sense of how the process works. That was the biggest question in my head. How do you get matched with a child? There's many layers to this process and just as many, if not more, situations for these kids. Some may need to be placed far from their place of origin, some will have siblings and other family they want to stay close to or at least get the adoptive family to agree to allow visits. Some of the kids have not had parental rights terminated and are going through the legal process. All of this occurring while the child is in a foster home. The logistics of it all, I can't imagine a more complicated system.

Re: parenting. We did get some basics on parenting an adopted, older child. From a parent of a 9 year old, I don't agree with everything that was said. But I'm not the expert and as we were told, many MANY times, these children are damaged. That means normal expectations do not apply. I want to get a better handle on the literature and go through the training before I start to analyze my reaction to this. I may be missing something. Right now, all I know is we are to expect a challenge.

How do Social Workers deal with this all the time?

Emotionally draining. Emotionally drained. I want to cry. I want to curl up into a ball and cry and not stop until I've cried for all of them. I want to buy that frat house on Ohio St. that was for sale and invite all these kids to live there. I want to keep going in this process but I don't know if I have the emotional energy to follow through. I want to stop the process now but I can't fathom not opening up my home to a child who needs it.

I want these kids to be safe and happy. Don't all kids deserve that?

And the journey begins not with little steps, but paperwork...

We've meet with our social worker. That statement alone brings me to happy tears. How much of a mess am I going to be when I get the phone call about a possible placement? Getting back on topic - we've meet with our social worker (important statements deserve to be repeated). In talking with her we've discovered that we seem to have the right mind set, we're united in our thoughts and, well, we are moving forward. Quickly. Did I mention the part about orientation is next week? No, well, a combination of hubby's lucky horse shoe and my perfect timing gave us not a whole lot of time to dwell. Which is ok, since we had talked long and hard about this prior to even calling the agency. The agency holds orientation and training during the 1st and 2nd quarter of the year. So, of course, the one this quarter starts the 25th! Which is next Monday! And in true gFam fashion - let's just move this along...

Our social worker gave us a run down on what to expect from this process. The situation we are looking at is adoption a waiting child. These are children who are older than 5 years of age, and DCFS has determined that they are available for permanent placement. Some of these children are legally free (parental rights have already been terminated) and some are going through the process (on our end, this would be called a legal risk - a risk we have to determine if we are willing to accept). She also handed us a two inch stack of paperwork with a cherry "There's more after this!"

Things that we should be prepared for:

• opening up our lives to the organization
  
• understanding what we, as parents, can be expected to deal with
  
• coming to the table not with a laundry list of options (this isn't a car we're picking out!), but with knowledge of what we know we can deal with and the courage to say we think we cannot.

Kinda vague so far. But it feels right. Yeah, so far, this feels right.

The family treats damage as a challenge & invites it home...

For several years, really as long as our 9 year old was aware of her place in our home, Boo asked for a brother or a sister. Mostly a sister, but she stated in no uncertain terms that she'd take what she could get. What she was really saying was she wanted someone to play her games with, someone to dress up, someone to keep her company and stop her from being bored. I tried, for as many years, to explain that's not what siblings do. Siblings invade your space, ruin your stuff, sit their narrow little butts between you and your boyfriend, and generally make a nuisance of themselves. They also have a tendency to spill your secrets. But our daughter was having none of that. She was persistent, she was relentless, she presented, for a 9 year, what amounted to logical arguments and counter arguments for any and all of our objections.

Finally one night, after Boo had asked The Question once again and was now on her way to dreamland, I turned to hubby, "having another child wouldn't be so bad, would it?" With that question, which was actually more of a statement, our path was being set. Discussion after discussion followed. We are so blessed, why couldn't we expand our family to a child that deserves a break? We have a lot to share, starting with ourselves. It seems logical that we should welcome a child into our home. We than came to the realization that we were of the same mindset about what type of child. I didn't want to get pregnant again. There is nothing better than holding a sleeping baby in your arms, kissing that little bald head and smelling that J&J baby smell. But really, babies weren't for us. I'm 7 years older than my sister. The two of us growing up had separate childhoods, for the most part, and we have only begun to get close. Plus there's the issue of my age and fitness. No, I don't want to say I'm old, and there are plenty of women my age that do get pregnant. God love 'em, I just don't want to be that one. Going abroad didn't make sense with our work situation, so that gave us the direction we needed. We hit upon adoption of an local (to the state) older child with the force of the light bulb going off above our heads, aka a waiting child. A tiny, LED-type that grows brighter and brighter the longer it's on.

We've gotten to the point in our discussion that we are doing something about it. Questions were tentatively asked of friends and acquaintances, calls were made, internet searches were done (& boy howdy, googling "adoption" is a blog post in and of itself), but finally we came upon a local solution. We contacted the agency and with a simple form we have started down the path to, hopefully, a conclusion of our trio turning into a quartet.

*Fingers are now crossed*