Intentions intentions, the best of intentions...

Training - as it were - is OVAH! But not really. My trips to Peoria are done, for now. I have another 2 inch stack of homework to complete. These now focus a bit more on immediate family and parenting techniques and styles. I'm sure "She's a great kid, we couldn't have been luckier" will not cut it for an answer.

In training yesterday, our discussion started out by talking about intentions. What is the reason we've gone this route. I seem to have fallen in a trap of watching these movies and clips and becoming quite judgmental with these people. I mean, really, you did a foreign adoption so the pastor in your church would tell everyone you're the definition of love? Really? I know that's not what the parent meant, that's not what happened. But I had a hard time not seeing it that way. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back! Then, I turned that sarcasm inward and asked myself why am I doing this. I can't deny that so far, without exception, everyone who has heard we're doing this has had that "great job" reaction. Even better are the ones who acknowledge that they themselves couldn't do it, especially with the population that these children will be coming from (already in foster care). But while the praise is nice, I really don't want it. Both hubby and I agreed, this is not about us, this is about the child.

Ok, so I need to slow down and rethink this. Our reason: we (as a family and individuals) are very blessed in this life with an abundance. Some of it tangible, but a lot of it is intangible. We feel we have a lot of love, guidance, safety and sanity to provide for a child who needs it. Both of us have come from a background where some of those things didn't exist or it was only a reward for good behavior. We want to do better than that. If, after a child comes into our home, no one makes another comment about how great that is and just treats the child like they do our bio-kid, we'd be happy with that. In fact, I think we'd be a bit put off by any attention. It's what will be best for the child.

So, there. I still sound like a sanctimonious prig, don't I?

We are now 1 step closer to being approved for placement. Left to do: this week's homework, complete request for references, find a house to rent, make decisions about what we could and could not handle in a child, get ready for family interview. The chocolate intake has eased up a bit.

Tell me about your mother...

Yesterday was the first official day of parent training. The focus was on us (the prospective parents) and our current arrangements, past, yadda, getting introspective, trying to make sure we understand our feelings, motivations, intentions. And we got more paperwork. A TON more paperwork. A Really, really lot more paperwork. Focusing on every aspect of our lives (past and present). We were told the questions would start to get personal and personal they are (see previous entry). I'm not so worried about answering the questions about my current relationship ("How do you feel about your sexual relationship?" My answer - great! We trust each other and I'm very satisfied with it.). I love my husband and am comfortable enough to talk about it. My present is exactly what I need it to be, I love it and am really happy, content, satisfied, enjoying life, etc., etc., ad nausea. However, the "Family of Origin" worksheet made my blood run cold.

"What was the atmosphere of the household as you were growing up?"

Well, let's see. Tension filled, abusive, fractured, loud, anxiety-ridden.

"Describe your parent's marriage. What did you learn about marriage by living with them?"

I learned how not to communicate with your spouse or family unless you were screaming. I learned not to have a gun in the house because when you call the cops with a gun in the house - an entire squad descends on the neighborhood. I learned I was easy to walk away from and easy to replace.

After the marriage, I learned that adults like to fight over stupid inanimate objects, but that kids aren't worth fighting for. I learned the meaning of the phrase "do as I say, not as I do." I learned to sleep with my radio turned up when my mother's boyfriend's stayed the night. I learned to lock my door when the noises from her bedroom stopped.

"Did your parents agree on discipline?"

There was no agreement. I was bad, dad hit me with his slippers. I got him a new pair of slippers every Christmas, hoping each year that this pair didn't hurt as much as the last ones. With my mom, discipline took the form of psychiatrists, medication and the threat of hospitalization. Given the choice now, I don't know which was worse.

"Did your parents offer any career or vocation guidance?"

My dad told me my 18th birthday present would be a suitcase to help me move out. And all my ambitions, like to become a marine biologist. Well those were stupid because only smart people did things like that. Not dummies who didn't understand math.

Yeah, this is going to be a fun week. I really hope Mirabella stocked up on their tiramisu.

Really? You need to know that...

"How do you feel about your sexual relationship?" This statement may derail our plans.

When we started this process, our Social Worker told us they would be asking a lot of questions, in depth questions, to help to get to know us. And with the extra 3 inches of paperwork I received yesterday at the first training date, we now have a better of understanding of exactly how in depth they are going. And hubby isn't comfortable with it one bit.

I'm trying to keep an open mind. He's trying to reconcile knowing his sexual feelings for me will be placed in a filing cabinet. I'm not sure what is bothering him more - that he has to tell a stranger about his feelings or that those feelings will be written down and placed beyond his control.

I can only hope this isn't a deal breaker. If it is, then this process is at an end.

My adoption reading list - can't get this local...

One of the things our Social Worker gave us is a reading list. In our information age, that's only logical that we would get a suggestion of books to read. I've posted this list below. I never imagined the hard time I would have getting a hold of these books! So hard in fact that I need you to bare with me while I vent!

I first tried my local library. None of the three books where there - nor were they at another local library, all had to be ordered. In fact - one had to be ordered from a government facility! So, I order the books. First one came in, no problem, other than they're only allowing a three week check out period. I get the notice about the 2nd book is now in. I get the email late in the afternoon on the 1st. Because of the snow - the library closed early that day and was shut down on Wednesday. & Guess what. The library this book came from only allows for a 3 day window to pick it up. I showed up on Friday at 6 when the library had just closed and then went back on Saturday to discover the book was already sent back, on Thursday. & I still don't have a date on when I will received the book that was ordered from the government facility. Couple that with them not shoveling the sidewalk in front of their building along the main street and I'm not too happy with the library this week.

Next stop - big box book store. The gentleman at the customer service desk (quite annoyingly annoyed) said they didn't have any of those books but could order them for me. It would only take a week to get them in. Now I'm a bit frazzled. I said no thanks and proceeded to go to the parenting section. And there my day got stranger. There wasn't a single book on the shelf about adoption. NOTHING! There was books about dogs with ADD and cats with Aspergers, but nothing about how to parent your adopted kid. Wow. I was just floored. And annoyed. So annoyed that I went to the bakery and got an individual tiramisu. Which was consumed while I was standing in my kitchen. I was happy I made it home before I scarfed it down. Yeah, eating my anxiety away will do no one any good. I really need to watch that.

Back to my dilemma. The Reading List. Annoyed and yet laden with books that had nothing to do with adoption (BtVS Tales and a music notebook for Boo), I took off for home (and the bakery). Finally home and sugared up to the point I could think straight and I then realize I have the power of the internet. Duh! So once again - Amazon saves the day. Not only were all three books in stock and ready to ship, I also picked up two additional ones. And all will be at my door a mere 3 days from when I ordered them. Let's hope they're worth it...

Reading list:
Parenting Your Adopted Child : A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family by Andrew Adesman, et al
Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston
Big Steps For Little People: Parenting Your Adopted Child by Celia Foster

I added:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D. Gray